How can I help an alcoholic? It may seem like an impossible task, but you can help the alcoholic in your life.

However, the old saying is still true enough: the alcoholic has to want to become sober. And this is the bottom line and really the end of the line from alcoholism to lasting sobriety.

That said, there are ways you can help (and hurt) the alcoholic in your life. First, we'll find out how to identify if your loved one is an alcoholic.

Alcoholism 101
For some, the signs are obvious. The person in their life is always drinking, morning, noon and night. Then there's the more functioning alcoholic who gets obliviated every evening after work, the smell of alcohol still on them in the morning. Lunch is often a liquid lunch with breaks to the car throughout the day for a few gulps.

Others are less sure. It's obvious this person drinks a lot. But what is a lot? And does simply drinking a lot constitute alcoholism?

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) defines alcoholism this way: "Alcoholism, also known as alcohol dependence, is a disease that includes the following four symptoms:

  • Craving--A strong need, or urge, to drink.
  • Loss of control --Not being able to stop drinking once drinking has begun.
  • Physical dependence --Withdrawal symptoms, such as nausea, sweating, shakiness, and anxiety after stopping drinking.
  • Tolerance--The need to drink greater amounts of alcohol to get "high."

These symptoms may still not be enough to go on. The NIAAA also suggests you ask them these questions straight out. Asking these questions also gets the drinking out in the open so there is no more tiptoeing around the subject.

  • Have you ever felt you should cut down on your drinking?
  • Have people annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
  • Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking?
  • Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?

One "yes" suggests a "possible alcohol problem." More than one "means it is highly likely that a problem exists."

Start with Yourself
Realize that the process of helping an alcoholic starts with you. Can you change an alcoholic's behavior? Probably not. Can you control an alcoholic's behavior? Definitely not. You can threaten and shame and yell and scream but these behaviors will only backfire, pushing the alcoholic away.

Start by telling yourself that you can't be in control of the alcoholic no matter how much you try. No amount of threats will change this. But you can be in control of yourself and how you interact with this person.

Don't Enable
This is the classic advice given to friends and family of addicts. It's classic because enabling hurts the alcoholic and it hurts you. It goes back to control. If you enable, you're not in control, the alcoholic is.

For instance, if you bail your loved one out of jail after a DUI, you're making their alcoholism easier. And you are excusing their behavior, showing them there are no consequences.

Detach Yourself
Remember that alcoholism is a disease. Try to separate the person from the disease. So even when they are practicing bad behavior and you want to strangle them, take a deep breath and remind yourself: there's the alcohol and underneath it, the person you love.

Try an Intervention
In an intervention, family and friends confront the alcoholic about the consequences of their addiction. Each person gives examples of the addict's destructive behavior and how it has affected that person. They will state clearly what they will do (e.g. cut off financial support, divorce, loss of job, etc.) if their loved one refuses treatment.

Interventions are usually led by an interventionist, a person trained and certified (often by the International Certification & Reciprocity Consortium and/or theAssociation for Addiction Professionals). The interventionist will educate and train your group and will facilitate the intervention.

Help Yourself
Recovering alcoholics have Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Friends and family have Al-Anon, a support group for those affected by alcoholics. The focus of Al-Anon meetings is you not the alcoholic.

According to their website, "Al-Anon, members do not give direction or advice to other members. Instead, they share their personal experiences and stories, and invite other members to 'take what they like and leave the rest' - ;that is, to determine for themselves what lesson they could apply to their own lives."

Summary
Look inside yourself before you try to help an alcoholic. Remember that your behavior is just as important as their behavior. This means no enabling and no shaming! Enlist the support of others through programs such as Al-Anon. Find help within your own family and circle of friends.

Sources:
http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/FAQs/General-English/Pages/default.aspx
http://www.spiritualriver.com/how-to-help-an-alcoholic/
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-al-anon-works-for-me